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STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining
the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false
prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the
altar,
put wood upon it, cut a steer in pieces, and
laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah
commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of
water and pour it over
the altar. He had them do
this four times "Now, asked the teacher, "Can anyone
in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah
pour water over the steer
on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving
her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the
gravy!"
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you
think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the
Ark?"
"No," replied David. "How could he, with
just two worms?"
THE LORD IS MY
SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her
young class memorize one of the most quoted passages
in the Bible; Psalm 23.
She gave the youngsters a
month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited
about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the
Psalm. After much practice,
he could barely get past
the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite
Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so
nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my
Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
The USHER
An elderly woman walked into the local country
church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door
and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would
you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The
front row please," she answered. "You really don't
want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is
really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?"
the woman inquired.
"No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she
replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he
asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing
an old family Bible to her brother in another part
of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in
here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten
Commandments," answered the lady.
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young
daughter what the lesson was about.
The
daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your
quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and
the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school
lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy
comforter is coming."
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LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how
Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of
salt, when little Jason interrupted,
"My Mummy
looked back once, while she was driving," he
announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a
telephone pole!"
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "
We have been learning how powerful kings and queens
were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
Waking Up for Church
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son
and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to
which he replied,
"I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they
don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons
why YOU SHOULD go to church.
(1) You're 59 years old,
and (2) you're the pastor!"
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and
tell" assignment. Each student was instructed
to bring in an object to share with the class that
represented their religion. The first student got up
in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin
and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student
got up in front of the class and
said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a
Rosary." The third student got in up front of the
class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am
Presbyterian,
and this is a casserole."
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for
Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen
preparing the meal, the minister asked their son,
"What they were having?" "Goat," the little boy
replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the
cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said
the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, . . . 'Today
is just as good as any to have the old goat for
dinner.'"
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to
an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage
obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
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GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class
the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was
beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the
situation in vivid detail so her students would
catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you
saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful
little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd
throw up."
MOSES AND THE RED
SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was
asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent
Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead
the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red
Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all
the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed
headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers
to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were
saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your
teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no,
Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did,
you'd never believe it!"
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the
town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they
began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really
delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. You really
ought to try it. I know it's against your religion,
but I can't understand why such a wonderful food
should be forbidden!
You don't know what you're
missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried
Mrs.! Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me,
Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and
said, "At your wedding."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the
best positions for prayer, while a telephone
repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the
best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the
minister. "I get the best results standing with my
hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong,"
the guru said. "The most effective prayer position
is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I
ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a
telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly
distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal
Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the
conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a
conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced
about its travels all over the country. "I've
had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. Why
I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest
restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway,
and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had
an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the
twenty, "where have you been throughout your
lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh! ,
I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist
Church, the Lutheran Church..." The twenty-dollar
bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
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